More decision-making skills

Radio Commentary

            There are actions parents can take to help children develop good decision-making skills.

            First, always set firm limits. Children should know exactly what you expect regarding drug and alcohol use, gang affiliation, sexual activity, and school attendance. 

            There must be clear consequences for breaking those limits, and your enforcement must be consistent.

You should also be aware of the example you set. 

Children of all ages are aware of your attitudes and habits. They are more likely to follow your example than your lectures.

The old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do,” simply doesn’t work with young people.

A good parent-child relationship is good motivation for your child to follow your guidelines and standards.

Remember: You should have high expectations, but influence is not control. 

This means expressing to your child statements such as:  “You have everything you need to be successful” … and … “You can do it!” It does not mean pressuring children to achieve perfectionist standards.

            The road to adulthood is never straight and smooth, but parents can help their children on that journey with the right attitude and the right tools.

Service learning

Radio Commentary

            Americans put public education high on their list of priorities, and they support learning civic responsibility through service projects along with traditional academics.

A study by the Kellogg Foundation showed that 94 percent of Americans agreed that a serious problem facing the country was that people lack the skills they need to succeed.

89 percent agreed that continuing to improve the K-12 education system should be a very high priority for our nation.

Most also agreed strongly that a good education is much more than just learning to read, write, and “do math.” They included social skills, tolerance, and good citizenship as important skills for all students to learn.

Service-learning — a teaching method that combines service to the community with K-12 curriculum — was seen as key to reaching these goals.

 Said former senator John Glenn, previous chairman of the National Commission on Service-Learning:

“Service-learning is unique because it enables teachers to improve students’ academic performance, sense of civic responsibility, self-confidence, and workplace skills with a single teaching method. It links classroom lessons with real-life learning.”

It is effective, and it makes a difference.

             I salute those local schools that include community service components, and service-learning projects, for their students.

Teaching self confidence

Radio Commentary

       Self-confidence enables young people to succeed in school, but self-confidence can be difficult to acquire and even more difficult to teach. However, parents can help nurture those skills, and reap the rewards that result.
For example, children can be taught to question some conventional wisdom. There will always be those who say that something can’t be done. Help children identify the difference between those who have real wisdom and those who are just naysayers.
Emphasize that practical knowledge is just as important as learned knowledge, because knowledge lies at the heart of self-confidence. If students know how to do something, they will be more confident in their abilities.

Teach them that persistence leads to success. 

One of the most difficult things for young people to learn is that it’s OK to fail, as long as they can get back up and try again. 

Children need to see that it’s acceptable to stand up for what they believe, even when they’re unsuccessful or their stance is unpopular.
Find out what your child is good at, and encourage it. Success breeds self-confidence. 
In school, children are required to take every subject, even those that are not their strengths. Those courses can cause frustration. Few humans of any age can be good at everything. 
So be sure to focus your encouragement on the things your children do well, and don’t dwell too much on the areas where they might fall short, as long as you know they are working hard to master their challenges. 

Show them that you believe they are successful. Knowing that YOU have confidence in them will help their own self-confidence. 

Preteens and friends

Radio Commentary

When children become preteens, their interest in friends and social activities often increases dramatically. Parents may be faced rather abruptly with issues of trust and peer pressure. 

Preteens may resist having parents check up on their outside activities. They may say, “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” 

One good response is, “I trust you, but I don’t like the situation you’re going to be in.” Or, “I trust YOU to stay away from trouble, but I can’t be sure your friends will.” 

Preteens may think they can avoid peer pressure on their own, but they actually will appreciate having you help them.

If your child is going to a party, ask a lot of “what if” questions. 

For example, say, “What if your friends dare you do to something that is against our family’s rules?” 

Many parents also report great success with “escape lines” that allow preteens to blame you when resisting pressure. 

For example, a preteen offered alcohol can say, “No thanks. My dad always smells my breath when I come home.” 
The bottom line is that parents of preteens must sometimes be willing to be unpopular. They don’t have to let preteens go somewhere or do something just because their friends’ parents allow it.

Parents must continue to set limits on behavior and be willing to say “no” when necessary. It’s absolutely necessary, and their children will grateful — if not today, then some day soon. 

Preventing violence

Radio Commentary

Every school in Santa Barbara County has a campus safety plan to help ensure the protection of all young people. 

In addition, prevention programs are also being used: peace education, conflict resolution, anger management, and peer mediation.  

Clearly there are no guarantees that these programs can erase all the concerns of educators, parents, and community members as they continue to monitor the safety of all students.

Fortunately, some basic steps can help parents provide effective support to school and community programs.

First, the philosophy of a nonviolent lifestyle begins in the home, where children learn to model everyday behavior. 

For this reason, discipline at home should never be physically severe. 

Local schools can provide information about effective alternative methods of child discipline, such as “time out” periods or suspension of privileges. These help children see that consequences for doing something wrong do not have to involve physical punishment.

Be sure to talk things out with children if there are disagreements. 

When there is a difference of opinion in the family, provide a good example by settling those differences with words. Don’t yell, interrupt, or threaten. 

If your children see that disagreements can be settled by calmly talking things through, by being persuasive, and by being respectful, they will be far more likely to settle their own differences with peers in this manner. 

These are not cure-alls for violence, but they help create a strong foundation for the values we hope every child will follow.

Teaching the value of money

Radio Commentary

How can parents draw the line for their children in our materialistic culture, and teach them the values of thrift and common sense?

            There are several good approaches.

            One mother makes her children use their own money, from allowance or chores, to buy the toys or goods that they pressure her to buy. 

She said:  “I find my children don’t always want it if they have to pay for it.”

            Another good idea is to involve children at an early age in the family’s charitable acts.  

            When it comes to school items, it sometimes helps to set a budget and let children get whatever they want within that budget.

            Even if they would rather have one pair of jeans with a big brand-name label and stick with their frayed T-shirts, they’re learning to make choices about what money can buy. 

            It’s also important that parents be flexible.  Maybe you can give in to your children on one less expensive fashion item — such as pencils that look like they’re made out of denim, which cost a little more than the basic No. 2 variety of pencil.

 But in return, you could stick to your guns if you are being begged for fancy shoes.

            There are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to teaching values. 

The best advice, always, is to live by the values you want your children to have.

College visits

Radio Commentary

The search for colleges can be very stressful. Parents can help in the decision-making process by planning visits to campuses. 

They can also help students prepare questions to ask during the visits. Here are some suggestions:

What are the strongest departments and most popular majors at the school?

            What is the average class size? Is it different for freshmen?

            How do I compare academically with students already attending the school? What kinds of cultural, athletic, or literary activities are offered on campus?

            What kind of housing is there? How many students are members of fraternities and sororities?

What support services are available to students? General counseling? Health care? Tutoring? Are there any overseas or exchange programs? 

What percentage of students receive financial aid? Do you consider this a safe campus?

What do most students do after they graduate? What kind of student is generally happiest at this college?

Selecting a college that will provide a good “fit” often rests on intangibles – a feeling students get when they walk around the campus.

But answers to these questions can help students narrow down whether a particular college might be right for them.

Computers for Families shows the power of partnerships

Newspaper column
Oct. 24, 2013

In third grade, “Maria” was doing so poorly in school that she was at risk of dropping out. By the end of fourth grade, she was a top student who was working above her grade level.

What made the difference? Many factors, and many people, were essential to the transformation, but one event stood out: Maria received a computer even though her family couldn’t afford one. Her benefactor was Computers for Families, which hit a milestone this year when it provided its 10,000th free computer to a local low-income child.

In many cases, including Maria’s, those children immediately begin teaching their siblings and even their parents how to use the technology. Imagine the impact; imagine the number of lives that have been touched by those 10,000 computers.

This success is even more remarkable when you realize that every one of these computers was donated, refurbished, and distributed, at no cost to the families, through a partnership of businesses, nonprofit organizations, and schools. 

The cornerstones of this partnership are the enlightened local business leaders who realize that a contribution to children is an investment in everyone’s future. They know that strong schools, strong communities, and a strong economy work hand in hand, with each one reinforcing the others.

Computers for Families is a program of the nonprofit Partners in Education that is administered by my office, with the goal of having a computer in the home of every student on the South Coast. A similar program, Computer Connections, operates in the North County through the cooperation of the Santa Maria Valley Chamber of Commerce, the Santa Maria Valley Industry Education Council, and the Santa Barbara County Education Office.

The CFF concept is simple. Businesses, government agencies, and individuals donate their outdated computers, and high school students in the Regional Occupational Program learn how to repair and upgrade them. Cox Communications provides discounted Internet access, and SBCEO employees provide computer training for the children, their parents, and even their teachers, as needed. 

A computer is just a tool, so by itself it can’t make much difference. Maria had an inner drive to succeed, as well as dedicated teachers and caring parents who did all they could to support her. But as a tool, a computer is as essential for today’s students as pencils and paper were for earlier generations.

Educators and employers speak about the “digital divide” between students with access to technology and those with none. Computers for Families is dedicated to closing this gap, because it puts low-income children at a tremendous disadvantage as they try to keep up with classmates who have access at home to all the research tools and other resources they need. Until students cross that divide, they can’t achieve their full potential in school or careers — and that matters to all of us. Before we know it, today’s students will be the foundation of our community and our economy. Everyone’s future depends upon their preparation to become fully contributing members of society.

CFF is an inspiring example of thinking globally and acting locally. Without waiting for some grand government solution, local people put their heads together 16 years ago and created a win-win partnership.

Computers for Families has been a success because, at its heart, it isn’t about computers; it’s about families. It’s about improving lives and our community, one child at a time.